Hamsters, Dancing, and Diet Root Beer

Some days I get home from a rough day at work and I grab a few beers, go to hamsterdance.com and stare at my computer screen blankly for three hours listening to that 15 second song on loop over and over again with all those goofy hamsters hopping and dancing around and I forget about all of my worries.

Sometimes I like to go up to someone's car that looks like it hasn't been washed in months and write "wash me" on the back with my index finger.

The other day our bath tub and sink starting clogging. Theres nothing like waking up to 5 inches of muddy, soap scummy standing water in the morning.

This week I wanted to add a little excitement in my life. So I bought Diet Root Beer instead of Diet Rite.

Its funny when you go to the grocery store for an hour and buy everything under the sun except that one item that was the sole reason you went to the store in the first place.

If I didn't have that weekly ice hockey game and those beers in the upstairs bar overlooking the rink, I would probably lose my mind. Theres no better way to relieve stress after a shitty day of work than punching some guy in the face that's wearing a different color jersey than you. Well except for hamsterdance.com of course.

I hate when you go to the movies, and you see what you think is a hilarious movie. And you chuckle, and laugh and guffaw and snort and all that stuff and your date tells you that it was the worst movie she'd ever seen and you realize that she is probably right.

I don't know why I even bothered to call my cell phone company to complain about my ridiculously high bill. It always ends the same way. Some 19 year old high school drop out punk kid working for 9 dollars an hour tells me, yes you did talk 3 hours over your minutes, yes you were in roaming, yes you are a huge idiot, yes you do still owe us 150 dollars.

I need a drink, so I am going to have one.

Duluth, MN

Just got back from Duluth, MN. you know. way the fuck up there.

It was cold, rainy, and generally miserable but with beers and good company this was not an issue.

We saw boats cruising lake superior and whatnot.

We drove up a big hill that Duluth is built on.

We laughed when we saw a very inebriated chick dancing in a suggestive manner.

We viewed someone trying to move an entire house down the highway.

We drank Sparks energy beers.

We were informed that my friend's girlfriend had a ring on her finger.

We went to bars where people don't smoke and loved it.

We ate pancakes that looked like Mickey Mouse.

We checked out a lighthouse and inquired about its origins to a woman who gives guided tours of lifehouses as a career.

We colored in coloring books with coloring crayons.

We watched the special features on the Seinfeld dvds and enjoyed the cast member's clever insight.

We ate pies with strange names.

We went to the "Bottle Shoppe."

We drank cheap champagne out of little bottles.

We played lazer tag.

We took pleasant mid afternoon naps.

We challenged ourselves to board games of varying difficulty.

We watched graduate students jump on trampolines.

We chewed on fire-kissed venison.

We noticed a guy sticking up his middle finger in my rear view mirror as I cut someone off.

We ran out of gas in the middle the highway.

We had a Wisconsin police officer drive us to get a gas can.

We listened to Mike Doughty's new album "Haughty Melodic."

Random Nonsense

There is more tupperware in our apartment than should ever be allowed for two heterosexual males living in a bachelor pad a.ka. "fully functional babe lair."

I just realized today that I love those cans of beer way at the back of my fridge. Sure they are cans of Busch and Old Style Light and I don't really plan on ever drinking them, but I like knowing that they are there just in case.

I thought I had grown up to the point that I would no longer be getting falling down drunk and waking up the next morning in an unfamiliar apartment of someone I don't know all that well with a harsh headache and a vague recollection of what happened the previous evening.

I was wrong.

Why do you have to pump quarters into a machine at the gas station just to fill up your tires with a little air? Is there anything you can do in this town that doesn't require some sort of transaction?

I've recently found myself complaining to co-workers about lower back pains due to the poor ergonomics of my office chair. I am seriously 50 years old.

Got my tax refund check today. Pretty exciting. I think i'll take my girlfriend out to the movies as long as she remembers to bring her college id, so I can get the "I graduated from college a long time ago, but still have a college id" discount.

At the office a few months ago, I let someone borrow my scissors. I can't remember for the life of me who I lent them to. All I know is that it has seriously hampered my in-office arts and crafts.

Lately I've been religiously drinking DRT's. In case you are wondering what a DRT is you need to get with the times. Its Diet Rite Tangerine. Obviously. The new hip beverage for male young professionals in the 21-25 age demographic. Available at a grocery store near you.

I'm out.

Letter to Chipotle

Dear Chipotle,

A little less than a year ago I used to live in my parent's basement. This was truly an unfortunate situation but being a recent college graduate with no job I had no choice but to move back in with the people responsible for my birth. They live in a nice two story house in a Northwest suburb of Chicago that has a wonderful Chipotle Restaurant. I was introduced to your establishments by a coupon I received in the mail entitling me to a free burrito. This couldn't have come at a better time due to the fact that I was hungry, but didn't have any money.

Anyways I am getting off the subject of what I am trying to say. This restaurant by my parent's house has the most buttery rice of any Chipotle establishment I have been to and I have frequented many a Chipotle. Because of this buttery rice, the burritos there are far superior to any other burrito that I have consumed at your other restaurants.

About a year ago I got a job and I moved into an apartment in a trendy western suburb of Chicago called Forest Park, IL. I'm not going to say that one of the factors of me moving there had to do with there being a nearby Chipotle, but maybe I should. Your Oak Park restaurant is a wonderful place. The staff is cheery and I always feel at home whenever I dine there. But I have one problem. The rice. It doesn't have that same buttery goodness that the restaurant by my parent's has. I've been to Chipotles in Chicago and Milwaukee as well and I've also noted a lack of butter saturated rice.

I have often thought about driving the 40 minutes back to my parent's house to enjoy a burrito at the Chipotle there but my girlfriend will never let me. Do you think you could tell other Chipotle restaurants about how good buttery rice is? I think if they knew this than I might be able to stop carrying around sticks of butter everywhere I go. It always melts in my pocket and leaves grease stains on my pants which has started to get really annoying. I have thought about carrying around a bottle of spray butter, or purchasing a pair of stain defender khakis, but then I thought that the best solution was to write you and ask if your Oak Park, IL restaurant could establish a "buttery rice initiative." This would make me very happy and I feel confident that it would also warm the hearts of thousands of other Chipotle customers.

Thank you for your time.

Reply From Chipotle
Thanks so much for the note. I can certainly share the note so our people can look into our recipes, but the strange thing is the fact that we don't use butter in our rice at all...

Sincerely,
David Chrisman
Mo'Joe
Chipotle