The New Cell Phone

I just got a new phone. One of those sleek and stylish Motorola Razrs. After years of always getting the "free phone" with my cell plan, I decided to spring for one that isn't the worst phone of all time. Of course when you don't get the worse phone of all time, you end up getting the "phone that has 5 million bells and whistles and other useless crap that you will never use in a million years" phone.

Here is my list of the Top 5 most useless features on cell phones.

1. All Digital GSM Network - So yeah maybe my new phone doesn't drop calls every 2 minutes like the old one but these digital phones are even worse. If you're sitting by your tv, in your car, by your computer, all the phone does is make your speakers beep and honk and hiss and whiz, pop, crack. Who was the idiot that let that slip by before millions of these fuckers went off to the sweatshops to be assembled?

2. AOL Instant Messenger - I can barely stand typing long stories that are better told verbally when I'm sitting in front of my computer. What made anyone think that I'd want to type it out on a little keypad with my right thumb, while driving 80 miles an hour down the expressway, while looking down in my lap.

3. Built in Camera - I bought a cell phone so I could talk to people. I wanted to dial 10 numbers, listen to it ring a couple times and then hear a famliar voice on the other line. At no time had I envisioned becoming an amateur phone photographist or photographer if you are into real words. If I wanted to walk around town holding a phone backwards taking grainy pictures of innane events I would have asked.

4. Voice Calls - I can't think of any reason that would prompt me to want to start shouting the name of the person I want to call 80 times into a little microphone to get it to dial. Is it really worth saving that few seconds dialing the number when everyone in your town thinks you have Tourettes?

5. Video Games - Come on. Enough with the fucking video games already. No one above the age of 20 wants to play games on their phone and if they do they probably either live with their parents, have played Dungeons and Dragons at one time in their life and/or will be single for the rest of their life. Phones aren't for games. They are serious business. seriously. no fucking around.