Some of you are having difficulty accessing the site. That is understandable because the last 48 hours the whole motherfucker has been down. The reason for this is that I am finally moving positively 18th street to it's own hosting account. What does this do for you, you might be wondering? probably nothing, but it will make my life a little easier and I can experiment with some different technology stuff, that I was held back from doing with my current Jerry-rigged deal. To be completely honest I didn't even know who that Jerry character was anyways, so I think the new hosting will be quite enjoyable.

I am using a Canadian company, because the United States is the worst country ever. Actually Michael Moore did that. I just went Canadian cause it was cheaper.

I was at a bar last night. Sometimes I have been known to do things such as that. I was watching this guy in his late twenties playing cover songs on his acoustic guitar hidden in the corner of the bar. Conversations and clanking bottles drowned out the sounds of his sub-par Pearl Jam covers. And I thought to myself, God I am happy I stopped playing music. That could've been me.

Sometimes you've had a long day of work, sat in countless meetings, made phone calls conducting what some might describe as business, double clicked on and updated various spreadsheet files, replied to emails regarding things of no interest to you, sipped cheap instant coffee while yawning from time to time, stared off into space, stapled and paper clipped things, filed documents into manila colored folders, fought rush hour stop and go traffic and have nothing really interesting, funny or thought provoking to say, and the only option you have available is to post of a picture of John Kerry snowboarding.

don't put all your eggs in one basket

make sure your ducks are in a row

get your shit together

every man for himself

to each his own

speak off the cuff

speak for yourself

or line up and be counted

such is life

such are the days in the salt mines

Life isn't always beer and skittles

Todays Stupid Links
Bidding on Air
Why live in the dorms when living in the basement of the library is free?

Sometimes you get really drunk on a Friday and lose your cell phone

And with that loss goes every phone number or contact to human life you once had

And when you wake up the following morning and your hangover passes

You realize that you left your phone in some girl's car

And you say to yourself, "well I'll just call her and get my phone back"

The only problem is the only place you have her number is in your cell phone

The cell phone which is in her car

Then you say, "well she probably has my number, maybe she'll call to tell me I lost my phone"

Then realize she does have your number

The number to the cell phone which is in her car

Stupid Link of the Day
A Squirrel's Take on the Atkins Diet(not work-safe)

Questions that have been coming up recently

Q. Do you write the updates for this page while you are at work?

A. No, definitely not. I write all updates at night and on weekends which is then posted every morning at around 6:30am Mon-Fri.

Q. Do you really hate your job or is your life really as depressing as you make it appear?

A. No, I am actually very content with my current working situation. At the same time the transition from college to the office life is a very difficult time regardless of what anyone says. Alot of my writing is drawn from my experiences as well as others and then exaggerated for comedic effect.

Q. Did you really do such as such that you wrote about the other day?

A. The answer is yes and no. For the most part this page is a work of fiction. While most of the things written here are somewhat based on experiences and actual situations alot of it is just ridiculous.

Today's Stupid Links

Hey Crackhead
Carb Counting Couple Booted From Buffet
Church Services Held In Bars
Hockey Beer and Punk Rock

Things that I hate

I hate that one intersection with the red light that never changes to green.

I hate liquor stores that don't accept credit cards.

I hate the ten seconds between the time you turn off the shower and you wrap a towel around yourself.

I hate how news reporters announce war casualties like it's the score of today's baseball game.

I hate baseball unless I am drinking beer or a team from Chicago is in the playoffs.

I hate when you go to rent a particular movie and every single copy is checked out.

I hate paying late fees for any movie that Rob Schneider acted in.

I hate infomercials that sell miracle kitchen products with a has been actor, washed up sports star or a guy with a british accent as a host.

I hate reality tv.

I hate when your mom doesn't know how to use a computer and assumes you do.

I hate when bartenders put straws in gin and tonics.

I hate bars that have the music turned up so loud that you can't hear yourself think let alone carry on a decent conversation.

I hate when you put something on top of your car, forget that it's up there, and then start driving.

I hate when you burn a cd and your computer ejects it halfway through with an error message, and you take the cd and throw it across the room.

I hate everything Bob Dylan did in the 80's except for "Oh Mercy".

I hate when bands release special edition albums with extra songs after you've already paid for the original.

I hate pop up ads that tell you that you have won something when just by the very fact that you are looking at a pop up ad means that you've lost.

I hate when you go to a free beer party and all they are serving is Berryweis.

I hate those pine tree shaped car air fresheners.

I hate when gas is more than 2 dollars a gallon.

I hate when people smoke in bars.

I hate people who patronize you.

I hate typing hate so many times.

I hate you.

a note from one of my readers
We need you to point our problems out for us...so that when we meet our shrinks, we don't have to waste time explaining things, we can just hand over your book and say "meet me when your done with this, i'll be at the bar."

The other day I was sitting at a red light in morning traffic and all of a sudden some guy gets out of his car and flips me the bird. I look closely and realize that it's one of my buddies from High School. As the light turned green again, he hopped back in the car, and I pulled out my cell phone for the traditional phone call to the car you're driving right behind tactic. I got him on the phone as we drove slowly down the far right side of the expressway, and he explained how difficult his life is and how it sucks that he has to get up so early for work. Then he asked me, "Are you on your way to work," and I said, "no I'm going to the circus." He didn't believe me, so I started explaining to him how I was going to hang out with a bunch of clowns, feed peanuts to elephants, and eat cotton candy and whatnot. He said, "You are going to stare at a computer screen for the next 8 hours and you know it." He was right.

I was watching tv the other night and saw a commerical for Valtrex, a pill for genital herpes. And I thought to myself, who dates the girl that's in that commercial. I mean how does that work? You bring the girl home to your relatives, and you say, "Hi meet my girlfriend so and so, she's an actress," and they ask, "oh that's nice what work has she done?" and you say, "She's the girl from those genital herpes commercials." That must make for one uncomfortable family dinner.

I was out tonight to celebrate my great uncle's 81st birthday. what a great man. I hope that I'm able to stay around that long and go to the dog track every wednesday and drink old styles. Don't you sometimes wish that you could just skip straight to retirement? Cut out all this working and suffering bullshit and just go directly to the time when you have shitloads of money and can just hang out, drink beers, buy expensive ocean property in florida and go to the early bird special at sizzler every night. One can dream.

A Lot of People Had a Rough Year

I talked to a lot of people last weekend. A lot of people who have had a rough last 12 months.

Flipped careers, dreams crushed, taken more than a few doses of reality, false expectations of working life, friendships faded, living paycheck to paycheck, living with parents, entry level bullshit underpaid job, broken down cars, unpaid overtime, elevated gas prices, a pointless war, idiots marching around with "no blood for oil signs," school loans, small apartment, unpaid parking tickets, dipshit boss, single life, married life, family death, reality tv, jealousy, fired, laid off, stabbed in the back, double crossed, single crossed, exercise or lack thereof, 6am wakeup, 10pm sleep, mediocre weekends, sick of hometown, sick of college town, too much alcohol, too little alcohol, rush hour traffic, cell phone bills with roaming charges, train rides from hell, parking garages with inconspicuously placed money boxes, interviews for jobs you don't want, poorly crafted thank you notes, cover letters, suit that's too small for you, limp handshake with something stuck in between your teeth, 75 cent per load of laundry, stolen car stereo, dumped by girlfriend, visa versa, beaten down, tired, shirt and tie, bloodshot eyes, 401k plan, social security, engagement, local bars, bad haircuts, what does it all mean?, shooting for stars that don't exist, gaining weight, losing weight, gained sanity, lost ambition, drunk dialing, lack of communication, lack of motivation, unemployed, working at a video store, the classifieds, grad school, law school, anything to avoid the real world school, down payment, 15% interest, buy one get one free with your fresh values card, standing in long lines, snorting lines, on time, 5 minutes late, punch clock, salary, direct deposit, heating bills, immaturity, inexperience, inappropriate behavior, out of context, out of this world, this sucks.

On Saturday some friends and I decided to partake in a rather ambitious chain of activities. The goal was to go on two Milwaukee brewery tours and then play 9 holes of twilight golf. To some this seems pretty idiotic, and while I am not in a position to confirm or deny the accuracy of that statement, I feel confident that a good time was had by all.

The Brewery Tours
When most normal people go on brewery tour they go to drink beer and get a guided tour of whatever beer producing facility you happen to be at, at the time. Not my friends. One of my buddies has found that it is more interesting getting "left behind" by the group and then sneaking into ridiculous places. I'd be listening to our guide talking about the microbrew process and my buddy would run up to me and whisper, "dude I just snuck into the employee lunch room, it was awesome. There was a half eaten sandwich and an uneaten box of chinese take out food in the refrigerator. You gotta check this out."

If you've ever been to the Miller Brewing Company, then you've probably seen the movie at the beginning of the tour. It's a mildly enjoyable video, until they get to the part about their introduction of plastic beer bottles. The movie describes how Miller decided to introduce plastic beers bottles to help save the environment and to cut down on glass related injuries. I started booing loudly, because I am against anything that is good for the environment. I also like having the option of hitting the idiot next to me in the bar over the head with a bottle if the urge ever arises. I am also comforted by the fact that if I wanted to I could break off the bottom of my beer bottle and stab someone with if I felt so inclined.

We didn't stay on the Miller tour very long, because halfway through the tour they have you walk up 300 steps to the top of some metal brew kettle thing. As that seemed like it might be exercise, we opted to leave the tour and go straight to the bar for the free beer. The second we walked in the door, the people working in the bar wanted to know why we left the tour 20 minutes early. Instead of telling them that we just wanted free beer and didn't want to have to exercise for it, we had our buddy who was wearing a knee brace limp in and pretend to be injured. After seeing this poor bastard limping around one of the bartenders said, "This guy is wounded, get these guys some beers stat." Clearly a great man.

This weekend I made a much anticipated return to my alma matter.

As expected I ran into all kinds of people I hadn't seen in months and exchanged a bunch of random information which is known to some as gossip. I love when someone you haven't seen in a while says "You look so different from the last time I saw you." It's kind of a nice way of saying, "man you are really getting fat and it appears as though you are starting to lose your hair."

I was talking to this girl on Friday who told me that she thought that I sound a lot more mature when I talk than the last time she had seen me. I responded, "Fuckin' A right I do."

As I had feared the Atkin's diet has hit college campuses hard. The same guys I used to see doing beer bongs in the basement of some house that should've been condemned, were drinking bottles of Michelob Ultra in swanky bars downtown, commenting "I can only have 2.5 beers today if I don't want to go over my recommended daily carb intake."

And seeing frat guys going into trashy late night eateries and asking the greasy Greek guy behind the counter, "could you tell me how many carbohydrates are in this gyro?" was both a shocking and traumatizing experience.

The one thing that sucks about visiting friends is that you always feel like a guest. You go out drinking till all hours of the night and then at 3a.m. you go back to your buddie's apartment. He throws you an old blanket that his grandma knitted back in the 1960's and says, "You can sleep on my roomate's futon if you want, but I'm pretty sure that porno movies may have been filmed on it." And as you rest your head on one of the beat up uncomfortable pillows that you borrowed from the nearby couch, you say to yourself, "why am I here again?."

Have you ever noticed that when your friends come to visit they always seem to get ridiculously trashed out of their minds? It's not because they're celebrating the fact that they haven't seen you in months. It's because they know that in 3 hours they will either be sleeping on your couch or on the floor and no respectable person can actually pull that off sober.

Then you wake up in the morning as the sun creeps in the blinds. You just slept on the couch or the floor and you totally hate yourself. It's 10:00am, and you can't go back to sleep and everyone else is in the apartment is still asleep. So you say, "well maybe I'll just watch some TV." Then you look down at the coffee table and see 15 different remotes. You spend half an hour pushing different buttons alternating different remotes and button combinations until you can't take it anymore and then you strangle yourself until you pass out again.

College Students Underestimate their Free Time

I don't think college students realize how much free time they actually have and how that will dwindle to nothing if and when they get a job.

For instance, remember that girl from UW Madison who organized her own fake abduction? Only a college student would have enough free time to pull off something like that. I mean as of recently I have really seriously thought about faking my disapearance too, but to be completely honest I just don't have any time to plan something of that nature while working full time. I think it would be so cool to have a bunch of people stomping through the marshes looking for my lifeless body, and holding candlelight prayer vigils in churches and reporters interviewing people on the news who'd say "oh he was such a nice guy, i can't believe something like this could have happened" even though they truly thought I was a total asshole. And then I'd come back and say, "ok guys I'm back, ha ha, I was just kidding."

Anyways with that said, I'm going back up to my old college this weekend.

Carb Counters

The other day one of our vendors bought the whole office lunch. As I've mentioned before 95% of the people in my office are Carb counters. I watched as 6 people tore through 2 large pizzas, by just eating the cheese and meat off the top of every piece and piling all the pizza crusts up to the sky on a tray which was later tossed. It seems like such a waste when there are kids in africa who just die to be able to munch on pieces of crust covered in pizza sauce and authentic American slobber. I can't wait till this Atkin's trend dies and people will go back to more reasonable methods of losing weight. Like sticking your finger down your throat.

To anyone who has ever been curious as to the origins and meaning of the title Positively 18th Street, it can all be explained in three links.

one
two
three

More Post College Gripes and Hockey Related Nonsense

Being fresh out of college can be one of the most frustrating experiences when you are fully aware that there is a party animal still inside you constantly clawing at it's chance to get out. You know that feeling during work, or sometimes when you are about to go to bed at 10:30 at night? When it feels like something is trying to claw out your insides. At first I thought I might just have a sensitive digestive tract or something, but I went to the doctor the other day and he confirmed my greatest fears. There is this animal inside me that lives off beer and inappropriate behavior, and it is fucking pissed that it's not getting fed. The doctor gave me a bottle of pills and said to wash it down with a couple bottles of booze each night and I should be fine. I am unfortunately not as optimistic as he.



Last night I was playing in an ice hockey game and I got hit in the back of my arm with a slapshot. Because of this my right arm is currently swollen and noticably bigger than my left which I must say has not been an enjoyable experience. I also like the big black bruise that looks suprisingly similar to a hockey puck. I can only pray that chicks dig hockey puck shaped bruises, cause if not I will have to pursue a new hobby.

So I accidently left my hockey bag filled with all my equipment in my car last night and now my car smells like old hockey socks and sweaty shoulder pads. Its pretty overwhelming, and I think I have two choices:
A. put my car in drive and push it off the nearest cliff
B. get one of those tree shaped car fresheners in some homosexual scent like Summer Passion Fruit Breeze or something.

I personally think the cliff option would probably make the most sense.

I feel like I write about my car and driving constantly, but the fact of the matter is I spend almost 2 and a half hours daily driving back and forth to work, so humor me and pretend like you care. alright?

There's nothing worse than people who talk on their cell phone while they're driving. If you're ever driving down the highway and you see some idiot in the left lane driving 20 miles an hour you can bet your bottom dollar it's Sally gabbing away on her phone about how the black shoes she just bought will perfectly complement her red blouse, or me talking to a buddy about all the beers I plan on drinking during the weekend, while not paying attention to my speed, swerving in and out of my lane, glaring at myself in the vanity mirror, staring down at my cd case flipping through the pages trying to pick 1 album out of 300, eating a McChicken Sandwich with the wrapper folded to the side, drinking from a 40 ounce super gulp grape soda, cars beeping their horns, flashing their brights, angrily cutting me off, extending their middle finger outside their rolled down window. I really suck.

Sopranos from Sunday was amazing although I watched it tonight, due to all the turkey eating and beer drinking that took place yesterday.

My Dad recently got one of those Dvd burner things and was very excited that he was so technologically advanced that he was able to burn the Sopranos episode onto a disc for me.

It was kind of like the other night when my Mom was so excited to show me that she recently learned to right click the mouse. She was like, "Did you know all the things you can do if you click the right mouse button instead of the left." I had to cut her off when she started teaching me how to create a new folder and "save picture as".

It kind of reminds me of when I used to work in the computer section at my local library. My boss would teach mouse classes for Senior Citizens. The first class was called "Beginner's Mouse Skills" which taught you how to click, double click, and click with the left button. The "Advanced Mouse Skills" class was the right button.

There wasn't a single product placement on Sopranos last Sunday. So much for the "Sopranos product placement drinking game" I had planned to invent.

Peeps, Hangovers, and Handguns

I hope you are having a great Easter holiday, unless you like peeps. Then I hate you and I hope your turkey is dry and your family has the most uninteresting conversations possible. There is something evil about those sugar coated marshmellow treats. I can't tell you why they bother me so much, but there's just something about birds and bunnys covered in pastel colored sugar crystals, with those beedy black eyes staring at you that just disturbs me to no end.

There's nothing like going out on Saturday for a full day bender that extends into the wee hours of Sunday, and then being physically dragged out of bed to go to mass with your family. Reeking of cheap gin, sporting a hastily thrown together outfit lacking the traditional pastel color scheme, bloodshot eyes, holding the weight of your head with the aid of your arm anchored on armrest at the end of the pew. Sorry Jesus.

This weekend, Instead of finding chocolate eggs and jellybeans during an Easter Egg hunt, a group of michigan kids instead found loaded handguns.

The other day I was thinking about the time I was on the Bozo show. The Bozo show was a phenomenal clown show that used to be on WGN. If you were awesome you probably used to watch it. Anyways, I was wondering to myself, what the hell does a clown do after his show is cancelled. Does he just hang out in his house and drink beers all day, or take classes at a community college, or do stand up comedy at shady bars?

It's really weird when some of your friends are getting married, co-workers are having kids, and all you can say for yourself is that you think that a polish waitress in high heels might have winked at you last night, although she also might have just had something in her eye like dust or something.

Easter is coming up on Sunday. Alot of you are on vacation now and I hate you for it. All I get for Easter is an early Monday morning wakeup with a bad hangover.

When you were younger, did you think the Easter Bunny was a huge bunny like at the mall, or a regular sized bunny? I always thought it was a little bunny that just hopped around your house and laid eggs, which is funny because last time I checked bunny's don't lay eggs. I knew I shouldn't have eaten all those crayons.

Tonight after work I went out with an old buddy from college to a biker bar called Kooly's.

I wasn't aware that I was in fact going to a biker bar until I pulled up to the front of the place and saw 30 motorcycles parked out in front.

Of course I go into the bar and my buddy isn't there yet, so I sit in the bar by myself drinking a pint with a nice dress shirt on, tucked in, sitting next to a guy rocking a leather vest, bandana, and a cobra tattoo on his forearm. I tried to make small talk, but honestly what do you say to a guy with a cobra tattoo on his arm?

All of the waitresses and bartendresses were these really hot but trashy chicks, sporting tight and low cut skirts on with high heels. I'll never understand high heels. I mean I know they are supposed to make chick's legs look nicer and all, but they sure seem uncomfortable. I mean I guess I wouldn't really appreciate seeing a bunch of girls walking around with new balance gym shoes on, but boy, it must really suck to be a slutty waitress on a wednesday night.

The best thing was all these chicks were foreign as shit. The only thing our bartendress was capable of saying was "beer?." It was highly unfortunate because all I wanted was to talk to her about the transcultural effect of syncopated jazz on civilization in the 1920's as I ate buffalo wings and licked hot sauce off my fingers, In need of more napkins than a chick who doesn't speak english is capable of providing.

10 Really Dumb Things to do During the Springtime

1. Ask the girl who changed your oil at Jiffy Lube last week out on a date to an expensive French restaurant.

2. Call 100 of your closest friends and tell them that you just moved into a new apartment in the city and that you are having a huge party this Saturday at 8:00pm. When 100 people call you on Saturday sitting outside the address that you gave them, laugh and tell them that you were only kidding and that you still live in your parent's basement.

3. Impress chicks by cruising down the streets of your town with the windows rolled down, wind blowing through your hair, blasting news radio 78 as loud as your stereo will go.

4. Cash your paycheck at a currency exchange even though you have a bank account.

5. File a sexual harrassment lawsuit against a female coworker even though she is 15 years older than you, married, and clearly doesn't find you attractive.

6. Burn a compilation cd of death metal songs and mail it to an old friend that you don't talk to anymore for no reason whatsoever.

7. Break into an SUV and steal the stereo even though you have a better one in your car. Put stolen stereo on your shelf next to your baseball trophies from 4th grade.

8. Next weekend at a bar instead of asking a girl for her phone number, ask for her e-mail address. Have your Mom write you a letter of recommendation the following day.

9. This Friday spend your entire paycheck on filet o' fish sandwiches from Golden Arches even though you don't like fish or Golden Arches.

10. Talk to someone you can't stand at a party and pretend that what they are saying is interesting.

Income Tax Return and Vice Cream

I got my Income Tax return check today and it is was kind like Christmas, although instead of a fat old guy with a red suit giving me toy cars and wool sweaters with snowflakes on them, the government gave me back money they stole from me the year before. I'll be damned if I ever leave cookies and milk out for those bastards.

If and when I ever get married, I plan to go out in style. Kind of like the guy in this article:
Police Escort Drunken Groom to His Wedding

Speaking of being trashed. Our prayers have finally been answered. A new line of booze flavored ice cream has finally been released called Vice-Cream Now if they would just create a booze flavored toothpaste, my life would be complete.

The Sopranos episode last night was one of the best in years, as anyone else who saw it can attest to. There was a blatant Google product placement and not so blatant Mr. Coffee plug. Once again if you caught any I missed feel free to chime in. Also if you have any predictions on who's gonna get wacked next... Great show

This weekend was generally awesome.

white water rafting in sub zero water and whatnot.

it was snowed for the first half of the trip.

it hailed for the second half.

the concept of shrinkage was brought to a whole new level.

beer was consumed at an alarming rate.

my feet and other limbs remain unbroken

we stayed in a cabin at an abandoned wisconsin vacation spot called "The Wagon Wheel Resort"

it's called the Wagon Wheel Resort because there are wagon wheels stuck in the ground everywhere.

I feel rather confident that you really don't care

Sorry Folks, no updates till Sunday.

I am either driving, drinking, or paddling currently.

Off on a weekend trip to raft the Peshtigo River.

Just so you have something to read, here is a Random Jack Kerouac quote:

"the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awwww"

The Decemberists and the end of Bill's Inn

I will be in Chicago tonight at the sold out Decemberists concert.

Before the concert I'm going to have dinner at my cousin's with him and his girlfriend. A double date minus one so to speak.

In case you weren't aware, today is a day of mourning.

Last night my favorite bar in my town Bill's Inn closed it's doors. I've been crying all day. If i had more time I would explain in greater detail.