No Blood For Oil and Cigarettes

Now I'll be the first to admit I'm not exactly happy with how the whole war with Iraq has played out, but remember all those dipshits marching around the globe with "no blood for oil signs?" My Dad told me he read gas prices are on track to rise to almost 3 dollars a gallon by Labor Day. Now granted my Dad is no Dan Rather, but if he is correct it won't just be hippies riding their bikes to work anymore. Better start pulling those baseball cards out of your spokes.

To everyone that makes going to bars an unpleasant experience. To those who blow smoke in our faces, make our clothes reek after coming home on weekends, while whittling away both their and our life expectancy, The City of Chicago and the rest of Cook county have a gift for you. Effective tomorrow the price of cigarettes will be raised by 82 cents a pack. Fuckers

According to a new study released today binge drinkers are most prevalent in the upper midwestern states. I always knew there had to be a reason why I was trashed all the time and thanks to this study I can chalk it up to geographic location.

Walmart is the worst place on the earth. I went there today to purchase my own Catch Phrase, which if you weren't aware, is the drunken party game sweeping the nation. Anyways I'm standing in line and all of a sudden this rather large woman brings her kid to the front of the store. This little girl is just screaming at the top of her lungs. I didn't even know a 3 year old girl could be capable of creating such horrible noise. And it's just giving me and the entire store a piercing headache and of course the woman stays in line and just lets the girl scream her head off. I listen closely and realize that this little girl is screaming because she wants a hotdog from the Walmart concession stand. Now while I don't know why any person would willingly eat a Walmart hotdog, I wanted to buy the girl a hot dog and jam it down her throat in the worst way so she would shut the fuck up. God I hate Walmart and hot dogs and screaming little girls. Catch Phrase however is still sweet.

I saw a billboard today for a new Christian radio station in Chicago called 107.9 "The Fish." Listening to an hour of "fish radio" is probably about as enjoyable as brushing your teeth and drinking orange juice.

You know that horrible group of people known as the "pen clickers." You're at school, you're at work and some idiot is just clicking away at the top of his pen so rapidly that you can't even think straight. I hated those people. Until two months ago when I realized that I too am a pen clicker. Even when I think I've hidden every clickable pen in the office, I'll be sitting in the middle of a meeting and realize I am clicking away like it's my job. Usually when I realize this I start screaming and then throw the pen as far across the office as possible, and then sit back down in the meeting like nothing happened.

Boy, I could use a hot dog right about now.

Why does it have to be so fucking difficult to find a pair of polypropylene long johns is the state of Illinois?

I'm getting ready once again to embark on a White Water rafting trip on the Peshtigo river in Northern, WI. The same river that one year ago, I broke my right foot rafting. While some people would see that as reason to not continue rafting that river, I see it as a great opportunity to attempt breaking my left foot this year. As of Sunday the mighty Peshtigo was still completely frozen over. The reason that I know this is because I called the old lady at the rafting place and asked "Is the river still frozen over, old lady?" She said, "Yeah it is. Can you please stop calling cause you've already called 5 times this week."

It's starting to get warm again and that can only mean only one thing. Roman Candle Wars.

The Sopranos on Sunday was stellar as ever yet again. For those of you keeping tally, the product/brand placements that I caught in this weeks episode are as follows: Dewitt Power Drills, Apple I-Pod, Home Depot. If you can remember any more feel free to add. Anyone remember the brand of SUV that Tony bought that dopey kid of his?

and in other news...

Today some idiot was arrested when he tried to buy cigarettes and beer with a credit card. A credit card that happened to belong to the cashier that rung him up.

Is it a pop or a soda? Are you drinking from a fucking water fountain, or a bubbler? Who cares? The professor of linguistics from the University of Wisconsin Milwaukee. thanks LJ

Everyone's favorite mediocre record put'er out'er Howie Day was arrested last night in Madison, WI for smashing a girl's cell phone because she wouldn't mess around with him while on his tour bus.

Howie Day told the Madison officer that it is common practice for consenting females to "hang out" and "get together" on the bus after shows. He said there must have been a misunderstanding if the women went to the bus with intentions other than to "hook up or to drink."

So I was talking to one of my buddies at the crappy local bar we always go to on weekends. And as usual we get into the always classic "What ever happened to so and so from high school" conversation. You know that conversation right?

What happened to Sarah So and So? "Oh I just heard from her last week. She is finishing up a 4 year physical therapy degree at University of Whatever the Fuck and recently got engaged to a philosophy t.a. with a receding hairline." Or, "oh I just saw Johnny a month ago and he's still working at Parker's Gas Station/Repair Shop replacing mufflers and selling cigarettes to 15 year old girls."

Anyways one of the girls I went to high school with's name came up and I was like, "Oh what is she up to these days?" And my buddy was like, "Dude, you haven't heard she's a stripper at Heavenly Bods?" She is hot!! and rich too. She probably had about 30 singles in her g-string when we saw her.

So much for catholic high school.

Friday is never a good day for updates. I'm always tired and need a drink or two or three or four and usually don't have anything interesting to say.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the Peshtigo River unfreezes by next Friday. With the way the weather has been it's looking pretty good. White Water Rafting is the greatest sport of all time, in particular when there are huge chunks of ice still floating in the water and you have to wear a wetsuit. Trust me.

For some reason I'm wearing Illini colors today even though I couldn't care less about basketball.

We currently have a 1992 White Jeep Grand Cherokee with Tan Interior sitting in our driveway. Anyone want it?

apologies to those who couldn't access the site this evening, for some reason my server went to shit. Actually it's more complicated than that, but if I explained it to you, you would probably strangle yourself halfway through our conversation, and I wouldn't blame you.

when it rains all day, i always get excited because that means "free carwash." Whenever i try to share my enjoyment with others they don't seem to be equally thrilled. That is unfortunate.

My index finger is currently ridiculously swollen and it is making it very difficult for me to type. When I learn how to type with my toes I will right write more, however i don't see that happening anytime in the near future.

word.

Nokia 3560

When AT&T tells you that you can get a free phone if you sign a one year contract with them, they are lying.

Yeah the phone is free in theory, but they always conveniently forget tell you that the phone is going to ruin your life. Sometimes I feel like I'd like to run to the top of a very tall building and throw my Nokia 3560 as far off into the distance as possible, so that I never have to see it again. But with my luck it's probably one of those boomerang phones.

All i want for the love of God is a normal ring. I don't want "disco club" or "rastafarian beach party." I want a fucking "ring, ring." You know what a phone is supposed to sound like. There's nothing better than when you're working, or at like at a funeral or something and you forget to put mute on and the "zippa dee do da" ring goes off in your pocket.

Why are there 6 video games on my phone? I don't play video games and even if I did these are the worst possible games of all time. Backgammon? what did I do to deserve this phone? All i want to do is make phone calls, i don't want to play tiddlywinks or do my taxes with it, I just want to talk to people.

And the reception never fails to be horrible. Constantly doing an indian raindance around your house trying to appease the cell phone gods, hoping that you can make out even a few words of what some drunken idiot is trying to tell you at 2 in the morning.

And the free AT&T phones are always the ones without the memory chip. You know what I'm talking about right? You wake up one morning to turn on your phone, and it's completely dead. You bring it back to the store, and they're like "yeah we can fix it for $39.99, but you know we won't be able to recover any of your numbers." And it's at that point that you realize that you have lost every phone number you ever knew and you cry for a while. Then 2 weeks later you find out how many friends you actually have.

Things I Currently Think are Awesome

1. girls with glasses
   
2. old bruce springsteen records
   
3. direct deposit
   
4. dress pants with adjustable waistbands
   
5. the sopranos
   

things I thought were awesome in the late 80's / early 90's

1. girls with slap bracelets
   
2. mc hammer records
   
3. lemonade stands
   
4. zubaz
   
5. hypercolor shirts
   

Things that are the opposite of awesome

1. girls with mustaches
   
2. yanni records
   
3. the illinois tollway system
   
4. people who put opened, half full beers back into the fridge.
   
5. getting mauled by a bear
   
6. living with parents
   

So the entire network crashed at work today. No internet, no e-mail, no access to files, no nothing for the entire day. Being that we weren't able to do any actual work, we made hand puppets, and had a paper airplane race. I originally thought that I had folded a dominate airplane, but one of the other marketing reps was far more advanced in the ways of aerial folded paper trajectory. It was a dissapointing day, but I feel confident that if I practice my folding techniques for the duration of the evening, I will prevail in a rematch.

A Reason to Keep Drinking


Sopranos Season 5 Product Placement Tally

even though there are no commercials in the Sopranos per say, every episode you will notice they place products or random verbal product plugs into the episodes. Of course if you don't watch Sopranos you have no clue what I'm talking about, but just pretend like you do.
Episode 1: Whitman's Samplers, Timberland Boots
Episode 2: Motorola Phones
Episode 3: Dunkin Donuts

Random Unexplainable link of the day. Bridget's Photo Album.

Sorry I don't have much for you today, but I'm working on my book.

Saturday Morning

The best time every week is when you come home on Friday night and flip off your alarm clock because you don't have to wake up at any specific time for the next two days.

The worst time every week is the following Monday morning at 10am when you realize you forgot to flip your alarm clock back on.

I was talking to this girl at a bar last night and she was explaining to me that two weeks ago she just got out of a two month stint at a rehab facility for a drinking problem. I said, "Well why are you drinking beer in a bar." She said, "Yeah isn't that crazy, 10,000 dollars for all that rehab business and it didn't do shit, what a rip off."

Yikes!!

If you by chance have any ambitions of following down the same path check out the 40 things every drunkard should do before he/she dies.

upon a friend's suggestion I finally saw American Splendor this week. I highly recommend it being the next movie you rent.

Sorry folks, I don't have much for ya this evening, it being Friday and all.

Yourdictionary.com recently gathered the 100 most mispronounced words in the English Language. If you are reading this on a Friday night, you are probably really popular or possibly the opposite of.

I'm not gonna lie, I need a really stiff drink.

Have you ever walked into your office and as you look into the mirror during your morning hygiene/hair styling check you notice that you blatantly missed a bunch of spots shaving?

I swear to God I checked and double checked but sometimes a foggy bathroom mirror post morning shower will get you everytime. So yeah, theres nothing better than being the dipshit walking around the office with a clearly sub par shaving job. The only thing worse than that is when you forget to take the size sticker off the leg of a new pair of dress pants and walk into work sporting it. Don't even ask if I've done that before.

From now on I will be carrying a razor on me at all times because that was absolutely ridiculous.

Don't you guys hate having your e-mail box filled with spam everyday? If so sign up for the national do not spam registry. Because as you know there is nothing in the world worse than spam except maybe handies.

My current favorite band of the moment is The Decemberists I'm not sure if you would like them or not but they are awesome nonetheless. The best way to describe them is "seafaring folk rock." I just bought tickets to see em in Chicago. I'd invite you to come but then I'd have to hang out with you.

I ate at Chipotle for dinner tonight and I'm convinced that the only reason I went there is because I saw those leprechauns carrying that huge inflatable burrito in the Chicago St. Patty's Day parade, which is sad.

Marquette University. What a school. 20 thousand dollars a year. And you can't even get teachers that are sober.

So it's St. Patrick's Day

One year ago today, I was up at 6 in the morning to open the bars of Downtown Milwaukee drinking beer till I could no longer stand, wearing green beads, leprechaun stickers, and being generally obnoxious.

Today, I was up at 6 in the morning too, but instead of opening bars, I was opening the door of my office. Instead of drinking beer, I sipped from a thermos of cheap instant coffee. Instead of wearing some sort of token st. patty's day t-shirt with beer and whiskey spilled all over it, I had a dress shirt on tucked into a pair of "stain defender" khakis.

If you weren't already aware, anyone who is between the ages of 22-28 and out of school hates college students with an undying passion. It's not because you are goofy looking or because you got a B- on your mechanical engineering test(although either may be the case.) It's because you are having more fun than us.

College is nothing more than a fucking circus. like Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey type shit. And I used to be a great clown. But after I walked down that aisle, and turned in my red nose and big shoes it all ended and it breaks my heart. Basically what I'm trying to say is that if you are still in College, I fucking hate you because of any of the following reasons:

• you are younger than I am
  
• you decided to attain a higher level of education than I received
  
• you are dumb as a rock and will take 10 years to get an undergraduate degree
  

Happy St. Patrick's Day You Bastards

Random Ponderings

• Will I go to Gillette, Wisconsin this weekend and if so will I again meet the female pig wrestling champion of Northern Wisconsin?
  
  
• Will my enjoyment of direct deposit at work convince me to scrap my plans of withdrawing all of the money from my bank account and putting it in a shoebox under my bed?
  
  
• Does David Spade purposely make the worst movies of all time?
  
  
• Have you ever noticed that whenever you try to get tickets to a concert you want to go to, you can never get them, yet the next day every seat in the stadium is up on ebay?
  
  
• Are any of you idiots planning on voting for Ralph Nader?
  
  
• Why are all the good barber shops closed on Sundays? If you work a 40hr week and you get too trashed on Friday to wake up in time on Saturday, there is only one option. Super Cuts. And you usually end up with some trashy chick that your buddy took home from some bar the other night cutting your hair.
  

Spam Art

I came across this the other day and thought it was brilliant. This girl set up an e-mail account for
her Dog that gets thousands of Spam emails a day. She takes all the subject lines and then writes poetry with them.

Check that out here. Honestly I wish I would have thought of that idea first. Seems like a great way to waste time.

5 Really Dumb Things You Can Do with an SUV

1. Accidently leaving your window open while it is raining/snowing and then going into work for the day
   
2. Locking your keys in your car in the parking lot before you are about to go on a job interview
   
3. Being too lazy to scape all the ice off your windows in the morning, so instead just scraping a little hole on the driver side wind shield to peer out of.
   
4. Looking for an obscure Bob Dylan CD in a large cd case while driving 85 down 294 south
   
5. Trying to talk on your cell phone while eating a Mc Chicken sandwich and steering your car, driving through downtown Chicago.
   

and in other news:
The other day some idiot got caught stealing $1,400 worth of Beer. Of course he wouldn't be as much of an idiot if he hadn't got caught. That is a crapload of beer.

Chicago St. Patrick's Day Parade in the Loop

If you really want to get technical a Parade is nothing more than a 2 hour marching advertisement. Everyone's got some product or agenda to sell and it's great that an Irish holiday gives them the opportunity.

The parade was filled with 5 million fucking no-name politicians that you will probably never hear from again. I mean is there really any reason for like the alderman of Chicago Water Sanitation to have his own float? Is handing a drunken 23 year old wearing a big green foam hat a pamphlet really going to help your campaign any?

Chipotle had a huge inflatable burrito that a bunch of leprechauns marched down Columbus street. Apparently even burritos are Irish in Chicago St. Patty's day parades. Go figure

Dumbest quote from the parade.
A guy dressed up as Ronald Mc Donald was standing up out of the sun roof of a Mc Donald's themed SUV and has his back turned to us.
Buddy - "Hey Ronald"
Ronald - (turns around and looks at my friend)
Buddy - "You gave me Herpes"

favorite bar name: stocks and blondes

After the parade we went into a place called the Cactus Bar at which point one of our buddies that had had way too much to drink tried to buy every drop of alcohol in the bar. I'm sure most of you guys have one of those friends that once they get about 8 drinks in them they start throwing money around like it grows on trees. Apparently these people know something I don't. I'm still looking for the seeds to plant said trees, but until I find them I will be putting my agricultural urges aside. Thanks for the drinks.

Speaking of religion:
Nun Faces Jail for Drunk Tractor Driving

Lord knows that Jesus went through alot and all but do you really think he appreciates a bunch of dipshits eating peanut butter and jelly or filet o' fish sandwiches from Golden Arches on fridays to pay tribute to his sacrifice?

I mean I really want to know who the idiot was that came up with that. "hmmm this guy got spikes driven into his hands and feet and was hung on a cross so let's eat peanut butter and jelly every friday for a month each year to remember."

Even Corky from life goes on could come up with a better idea than that.

O bla dee Oh bla da.

Ten Reasons Why I Will be Single for a Long, Long Time

1. Even after 23 years on this planet, I have not yet figured out how to dress myself properly
   
2. My favorite bars are the ones with cheap beer and questionable patrons
   
3. I can't dance, and when I do it usually deeply disturbs most in attendance.
   
4. If and when I do get excited about something it usually involves an obscure indie rock record or a white water rafting trip.
   
5. I "used" to be a musician
   
6. My idea of a good meal can be found on the dollar menu at Golden Arches
   
7. 5 o' clock shadow has recently become All o' clock shadow
   
8. I write a blog
   
9. I live with my parents and sometimes my mom does my laundry
   
10. I stopped caring a long time ago
    

Some crazy broad tried to pass a million dollar bill at Walmart yesterday. Apparently even people making minimum wage can count. Go figure.

Finally an art museum that showcases the worst paintings of all time. The Museum of Bad Art The funny thing is, these paintings aren't all that bad. Give me a paint brush and a handle of gin, and I'll show what bad art is all about.

Graduating From College Sucks

These are the times that graduating from college sucks. When you realize that the whole concept of Spring Break doesn't exist anymore for you. When you're buddies who are still in college call you up at ridiculous hours and leave voicemails of them yelling "spring motherfucking break" at the top of their lungs.

I've found a way to soothe the pain though. I've noticed that if I sit on the couch after work, drink beer and watch taped episodes of MTV spring break, that I don't want to shoot myself as much. I mean theres no better cardiovascular workout than dancing to old episodes of "the grind" pretending that you are in the crowd, gettin all fresh with hot chicks and junk. sweet.

I'm really sick of all this Atkin's Diet bullshit. I swear to God, I'm like the only person who isn't on either Atkin's or this South Beach nonsense. Someone'll be like, "dude you have to try these new Atkins snacks, a handful is only 3 carbs." Yeah they're only 3 carbs, but they taste like fucking card board.

and don't even get me started on these "breadless sandwiches." You're sitting eating lunch and you see the asshole next to you eating a few pieces of ham with mustard on it, off his fucking hand. What the fuck is that all about??

Even Golden Arches is starting to make their meals more healthy for all you crazy South Beach fucks or not

If you are looking for me you can find me on North Beach. Well, North Pole Beach. Freezing my ass off, eating salami sandwiches with big pieces of white bread, sucking down cherry cokes, on my half hour lunch break.

Welcome to the new Spring Break. Fuckers

Just when I thought it wasn't possible to hate Dashboard Confessional anymore, the undisputed king of "emo", Mr. Carabba pulls out this jackass quote regarding their participation in the 2004 Honda Civic Tour.

"We're excited to be involved with this tour because it allows us to branch out to a larger audience," Carrabba, who has seen his one-man act grow into a quartet over the last few years, said in a statement. "Plus our fans will be able to win our one-of-a-kind customized Civic."

I guess if you put out an incredibly mediocre record that is overhyped beyond recognition and then flops, all there's left to do is sell cars.

What the fuck?

Bob Dylan @ The Aragon Ballroom

During my years in junior high and freshman year of high school my parents refused to let me go to concerts. They had the belief that everyone who went to concerts, went to do drugs and worship the devil. It took me until about sophomore year of high school before they'd let me go to concerts unsupervised and even then they were a little weary. Of course they had nothing to worry about back then. All I was going to were harmless punk rock shows at our local VFW hall. I mean the worst that would happen is we would drink beer or like vodka mixed with some awful mixer until we puked all over ourselves. Had I been wearing tie-died shirts and fucking hemp necklaces then they should have been concerned, but for the most part I was pretty harmless.

So last Friday my Dad and I went to see Bob Dylan at the Aragon Ballroom in Chicago for my birthday. I had never been to a concert with my Dad before and this was the first time to show him what concerts are really all about. We got to the front door and the security guards were patting down people at the door. I said to my dad, "hey look Dad, the guards are checking everyone to make sure none of the bad people bring drugs into the concert." He said, that is great son, I can't believe I ever doubted you that going to concerts was anything but a wholesome activity for a lad such as yourself."

As we waited for Mr. Dylan to go on, something strange started to happen though. All these people with beards and shirts with bears on them started walking into the concert. At first, I thought to myself, "these people must be nice, I mean they have to be, they've got fucking bears on their t-shirts for christ sakes!!

Just as Dylan started into his first song everything changed. I swear I saw the guards patting everyone down, but out of the corner of my eye, I see a rather unkept individual pull a fucking 3 foot bong out of his jacket. I tried to explain to my Dad, that the guy was actually a backup up horn player to Dylan's band, but he replied, "If I'm not mistakened that young gentleman is holding a device that is used to smoke marijuana." I tried to convince him otherwise but As Dylan struck into the first few chords of "It's all over now Baby Blue," people are pulling pipes out of their pants, cigars filled with dope, 1 hitters, 2 hitters, 18.678595 hitters.

At that point there was nothing to do but laugh, watch Dylan through a smoke screen and say Dad, "this is Rock and Roll."

In case you were curious here are the top ten worst album covers of all time

So here this is my attempt at a "blog." Yeah I know its trendy as fuck and everyone's doing it and whatnot but here it is. I will try to update this as much as possible, but who the hell knows. I'm not sure how this whole Blogger thing will work out.

Sopranos on HBO @ 8pm CST

Tonight the 5th season of The Sopranos starts.

There is absolutely no reason to miss it, unless you really suck and don't have cable.

I'd let you come over and watch it at my house, but then I'd have to hang out with you, and that would definitely be the opposite of a good time.

If you are looking for a job you should probably apply for this job posting:

Personal Social Network Coordinator

Tonight my birthday will be celebrated. 23 years on this goddamn planet. Sources say candles will most likely be blown out, and cards will be opened that contain witty phrases as well as checks for me to deposit in off shore bank accounts. Some hand knit sweaters might also be enjoyable, but at this time no one can tell if I may be the recipient of one.

By next week I should have my "Ice Breaker" White Water rafting trip on the Peshtigo River in Wisconsin booked for April 3rd through the infamous Kosirs Rafting Outfit. For those who remember last year I broke my right foot while going down this river. Apparently the river is still frozen over, so we can only pray that it thaws out in time for us idiots to raft down it. For an animation of us rafting the Peshtigo last year click here

I just purchased the domain name www.positively18th.com which should be up and operating by the beginning of this week.