Something New

Ay, I'm back writing something new that isn't merely a few pages pulled out of my book. Boy I gotta tell ya, I loved every minute of my break from this ridiculous fucking blogging habit that I have as of recently acquired.

So I'm in Chicago, and it's gotten fucking cold. Snow, Ice, frosty breath, the whole nine yards, and I don't own an ice scraper. I could have sworn i had one jammed in one of the piles of junk collected in the random corners of my bedroom, but alas there isn't one to be found.

In case you weren't aware an ice scraper is one of the most coveted midwestern commuter tools that exist on the planet. Every morning I wake up, throw on some bland business casual attire along with my leather jacket and head out to my gas gussling, emissions spewing, take no bullshit, red sports utility vehicle, whose windshield is 9 times out of 10 covered in a thick sheet of ice and frost. This is always a fantastic thing to come outside to when you don't own an ice scraper. They cost all of about 5 dollars but I keep forgetting to pick one of the fucking things up. So every morning around the same time, I realize that I can't see out of my windshield and am forced to look for random objects strewn about my car in hopes of scraping a small section of my windshield, just enough so I can possibly see an oncoming car or two and avoid getting into a fiery auto wreck, which would keep me from generating income. Income that is better spent on fur coats and cases of cheap beer instead of emergency room visits and mushy hospital food, cause to be honest I am in no hurry to give my insurance card a trial run. Anyways here is a list of things I have attempted to scrape ice off of my windshield with:

• the jewel case from a Van Morrison c.d.
  
• an empty bottle of Aquafina water
  
• my shoe
• an emptied package of ranch dipping sauce from Wendy's chicken nuggets
  
• a three ring binder full of work related materials
• a tupperware lid
• a keychain
• a hockey stick
• an empty can of pop or "soda" if you're gonna be a dick about it
• pocket change
• a big gulp cup from 7 eleven
• my non-existent fingernails
• the buckle of my belt
• a guitar pick
• a plastic spoon