Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Different Types of Girls

Over the years out there playing the field you will come across all different types of girls in your quest to find that perfect someone.

Lord knows it is no easy task. They come in so many different shapes, sizes, attitudes, cultures, religions. Some are sweet and cuddly; the kind you'd like to spoon on the couch with while watching your sweet, flat screen high definition tv. But some are a royal pain in the ass and should be avoided at all costs. Here is a list of some of the stereotypical girls out there.

The Girls

Granola Girl (Hippie Chick) - I pretty much could never see myself dating a Granola Girl. I'd be resting after a long day of work and she would just be hanging out, smoking out of her 20 foot bong, and knitting me hemp briefcases and shirts or whatever all day. And when she'd ask me why I didn't wear my the new hemp polo shirt she made to work, I'd have to explain to her that hemp attire doesn't fit into the category of "business casual." And then she would cry, and I'd feel bad. And some night we'd be making out, and she'd be like, "can we please, please listen to the Winston/Salem 97' Phish show, it's one of the most underrated jam sessions of the 90's," and it's at that point that I would most likely pull out a gun and shoot myself dead on the spot.

Party Girl - This girl likes to get wild. Stiff drinks, loud electronica music, out till all hours of the night at "tha club." Grinding up on any guy with the top 2 buttons undone on his shirt, gel in his hair, and a cheesy pickup line. Super short skirt with matching boots. She's a knockout and would probably look great on the cover of a magazine with a little photoshoping, but actually having any sort of intelligent conversation with her? Not bloody likely.

Indie Girl - I'm not gonna lie I really kind of like indie girl. Art is everything to her. She likes gabbing away about obscure records and independent films, she seems to know way too much about pointless pop culture, basically she is a riot to talk to, but once you become a corporate drone and face reality and she's going on about how art is going to save the world behind the counter of her coffeehouse job, you kind of want to strangle her. don't you?

Gourmet Girl - This is a girl who's whole life revolves around food. Every activity, every thought, food, food, food. There is another name for this. (FAT)

Uptown Girl (Rich as Shit) - This girl is fucking loaded. Everything she has is better than yours and she wants to make sure you know it. She probably went off to some prissy Ivy League school and scoffs at the twelve pack of Old Style in your fridge in favor of bottles of wine that run near the range of your weekly paycheck. She only dates the best of best. You are not it.

Career Girl - Anal retentive, social climbing, step on anyone and everyone to get to the top, narcissistic, uncompromising, cold hearted, bitch. You know... the type of girl that will make a guy miserable for the rest of his life. ummm.. count me out.

The Girl Next Door - This girl is cute and is a generally cheery sort. She means nothing but the best for everyone. Loves her family(maybe a little too much) She's not into drama, is generally laid back, and very dateable. The only problem is that she lives next door, and she just caught you watching her undress from across the way. She is hot. You are a creep. And it appears she's on the phone registering for a restraining order as we speak.

Athletic Girl - This girl is driven to succeed. She usually looks gaunt from excessive exercise and conditioning, eats food that is meant for rabbits, and probably has motivational posters posted all over her apartment and possibly even in her cubicle. You are not motivated, like to drink beer and eat potato chips. She may have seen something about you in an after-school special a few years back.

Progressive Girl - Everything that comes out of this girls mouth is clever and insightful. She doesn't respect the kind of sap guys who just say whatever they think she wants to hear. She is always up for trying new things and is looking to get everything that she can out of life. This girl only has one flaw, she is really into saving the environment and animal rights activism. You on you other hand like to collect all of the 6 pack rings from your beer and bring them directly to the nearby lake every month in hopes of more efficiently strangling ducks.

Academic Girl - This girl will be in school for the rest of her life. She is most likely much smarter than you are as a result. Either she has rich parents or she will be paying off college loans till her dying day. If you marry this girl you might even get to pay off some of these loans. Grab her by the hand, hop on the next plane to Vegas and reserve a time at the drive-thru chapel. This one's a keeper.

There is nothing more interesting or attractive than a girl who can't be put into any particular category or stereotype.