Friday, June 04, 2004

Backwoods Bar Part II

So I'm in this bar out in the middle of the woods, clenching my 44 ounce cup of beer just in awe of everything going on around me.

When you go to these bars in the sticks you really have to be careful how you dress. If you dress nice in anyway shape or form, they'll think you're from Chicago and you'll be walking out of the bar at the end of the night all bloodied up with wounds requiring stitches. When looking through my wardrobe for the most Wisconsin friendly shirt I stumbled upon a shirt that said, "Pour Beer in Mouth" with an arrow pointing up. This turned out to be a clutch choice and may have been a reason that I walked out of the bar unscathed.

I mean, you don't want to fuck with the guys at these bars. This place in particular was notorious for being a little rough around the edges so we actually had to bring a local with us to make sure that we weren't pummeled senseless by some northwoodsers.

That was good because there wasn't going to be a Chicago frat boy wearing a silk shirt holding a Michelob Ultra taking swings at us. There was going to be a 250 pound Indian right off the reservation, and a guy with a mullet wearing Artic Cat gear kicking my teeth in outside the bar.

These are the guys that invented barfights.

Everytime one of us would go and dance with one of the mediocre to hideous looking girls in the bar, these guys would stop whatever they were doing and come from the opposite side of the bar to cut in, in order to further show their dominance of the bar and the people within it.

But that was fine with me, cause there was something seriously wrong with some of these chicks. The floors of this place were covered in a thick coating of mud, and these girls were were just rolling around in it. I've never seen anything like this. They have this dance, it must be a Northwoods thing where they get on the ground and roll around, like ..well pigs for instance. And the best part about it, was all this was going on the the sounds of AC/DC and Quiet Riot.

Furthermore, we'd go up to some of these girls and try talking to them by starting off with the traditional introduction question, "Where did you go to school." and almost unanimously these girls would say, School?

I was informed later in the evening that they aren't into things like education around there, which I don't neccesarily have a problem with, if that's your style. But is there any reason to roll around in mud?

That was my weekend. Enjoy yours.