Wednesday, May 26, 2004

The Worst Morning of All Time

After you push the snooze button for the 5th time you realize that you've overslept almost 30 minutes.

Your hot water heater is shot and your only option is to take an artic cold shower, and you forgot that you used all the shampoo the morning before so you are forced to wash your hair with bar soap.

You go in your closet and realize that you don't have anything clean left to wear, so you take a wrinkled dress shirt off your floor, spray it with febreeze a couple times and put it on.

Then you go in the fridge to make a sandwich and you realize that all that's left are the two butt ends of the loaf of bread and you are forced to make an "end-wich"

you catch every single red light on the way to work, you even get stopped by a crossing guard who comes out of left field with a fucking stop sign in his hand, who you've never seen before in your life and just seems to be there with the sole purpose of making you more late for work.

While driving, someone cuts you off, and you spill an entire thermos of scalding hot coffee in the crotch area of your khakis.

You get about halfway to work and realize that you are driving on fumes, and will probably have to push your car to the gas station on the way home from work.

As you get off the expressway you realize that you forgot your wallet at home in the back pocket of your grey "stain defender" dockers with the elastic waist band.

You drive into the office parking lot at like 90 miles an hour and run out of the parking lot and just as you are about to open the office door you realize that you locked your fucking keys in your car.

When someone at work says "good morning" to you, you reply, "in my fucking dreams."