Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Top of the Morning

I woke up at 6:10 a.m. to the sounds of "Good Morning" by the Beatles. At first I thought it was really nice of the Beatles to wish me a good morning, but then I realized that, that is the same fucking song that plays every morning Monday through Friday, from the same album "Sergeant Pepper's Miserable Fucking Day at Work Corporation." So i made a pretend gun with my hand, pointed it at my temple, and pulled the trigger. Unfortunately I was still alive though, because it was merely a hand gun, so alas, I did in fact have to get up for work.

I turned on the shower and stood under lukewarm/hot water, doing the whole shampoo and soap lather routine while whistling dixie and whatnot. Then got out and wrapped a towel around my waist like I always do and looked in the mirror. Unfortunately that same face and beer gut that I see every day was staring right back at me. So I sighed and then applied a liberal amount of colgate tartar control toothpaste on the toothbrush my dentist gave me the last time I visited him and began to vigorously scrub my teeth. My dentist is a great man and sometimes I drink beers with him. But that is besides the point, what I'm trying to say is that I felt confident going to work knowing that my tartar would be controlled.

Soon after I pulled out a box of mint waxed floss and did the kind of things that people tend to do with floss then pulled out a razor and began to participate in an activity that some refer to as shaving. As usual I cut myself in various places, so I wadded up little pieces of toilet paper and stuck them to my face to stop the bleeding. That was unfortunate, but sometimes life works out that way. Next I swallowed a mouthful of winterfresh listerine and swished it around in my mouth and then spit it into the nearby sink. I put on some clothes and ventured upstairs........
to be continued hopefully never