Monday, May 10, 2004

Picking out Mother's Day Gifts

There's nothing worse than looking for mother's day gifts. It would be so much easier if shopping for your mom was like shopping for one of your buddies. I hate looking through stores for this sentimental knick knack bullshit. I wish I could just go to the liquor store and get her a case of milwaukee's best light, or a handle of vodka in a plastic bottle. But no, I have to look around for flowers, stupid little figurines or cheap jewelry that she wouldn't be caught dead wearing anyways.

Or the best is going into the woman's perfume aisle. You always have some old lady in bright red lipstick spraying like 5 different bottles of sample perfume on you. I don't have the slightest clue how pick out perfume and it's always fun when you go out drinking that night and you reek of women's perfume and your buddies are like, "Ummm dude, I hate to break it to you but you smell like a chick."

Then there's clothes. I have never been able to buy clothes for people, because I thing it is wrong to impose my horrible fashion sense on others. And there's no worse feeling then when someone opens up your gift and pulls out the outfit you bought them and says, "oh this is so nice" in that voice where you can sense that you have just bought something they will never wear. But at the same time they feel bad, so they keep it in the back of their closet and make sure wear it when they're around you a couple times to humor you, but only when they know they won't be seen in public.

Oh and of course at least one year you always end up buying your mom one of those tacky trophies or plaques that usually have one of the following printed on them: World's Greatest Mom, Best Mom ever, I love you mom, I heart mom, Greatest Child Bearer of all time.

Another famous thing is the repeated theme gift. For instance my mom is a nutritionist. When I was 14, I thought, since she is a nutrionist, i bet she would like things with apples on them. So for the next 5 years I bought her an apple clock, apple salt and pepper shakers, apple stationary, apple oven mits. And where are all of these apple themed items you ask? Jammed in the back of her closet along with a cocker spaniel sweater, the world's greatest mom trophy, and a fiber optic flower that changes colors when you plug it into the wall.

Basically what I'm trying to say, is that one day I hope I can find a nice girl who really likes to shop so that I can retire from this nonsense, and focus on more important things like drinking beer.