Thursday, May 06, 2004


This weekend a whole nother group of bright eyed college students will get a huge kick in the ass. Hopefully the economy has gotten a little better so it might be a little less painful of a kick. Cause let me tell ya, last year me and millions of other college grads around the country got kicked in the ass with a steel toed boot. But even if things are a little better don't expect a kick by ballet slippers or anything. This is such an exciting time for you guys.

I remember right around this time last year. That last couple months of college, you keep telling yourself, "I really am sick of this whole college environment, and I just want to move onto a new phase in my life." or "I can't wait till I don't have to think about classes, or take tests and just work all the time, and forget about everything once 5:00pm." Well that is a fallacy if I've ever heard one.

The one thing I will say though is that by the end of your senior year, you are sick of everything college. By the time I graduated, if I had to go to one more keg party in someone's back alley or shitty apartment I was going to strangle myself. If one more underclassman puked on my carpet, If one more idiot threw a jello shot and it stuck to my ceiling, If one more teacher passed out another pointless multiple choice test that had no bearing on my future life what so ever, if I met one more rat crossing my path while watching tv in my beatdown shithole house, going to the same fucking bar every wednesday for Karaoke night even though I hated the bar and karaoke. You know what I take it back, graduating is going to be awesome.

If you haven't started looking for a job yet and/or don't know what you want to do with your life yet you are totally fucked.

If you feel like kicking that cocky prick who has a 50K job right out of college, or whos Dad is the CEO of a fortune 500 company somewhere in the groin area, you are not alone, and I might be inclined to say just go with the feeling.

But before you do it make sure you don't have any family members that might be able to get you a job.

you know cause of the whole pot called the kettle black factor

If one of your good friends has a high paying job right out of college be nice to them because maybe they will buy you nice things.

The classifieds and will become your worst enemy. guaranteed.

dust off that old suit that has been sitting at the back of your closet and get ready to fail.

read tons of interview books with stupid canned questions that people will actually ask you.

find what all your weaknesses are and when they ask you what they are, lie like a motherfucker.

spend all your graduation money on beer and greens fees at your local golf course. Under no circumstances should you save any of that money, because that would make way too much sense.

cry alot, get in touch with your feelings.

if you still don't have a job move back home with your parents, or move into a hip apartment that you can barely afford preferably on the opposite side of town from your old college.

If you have a job, try to go out every night of the week with your unemployed friends. trust me.

But most of all have fun.

The first time you will realize that you have in fact graduated is when you walk into the big bar on campus and realize that you know no one in the bar, and everyone appears as though they just turned 21 and no one appreciates when you sing "when a man loves a woman" in a piercing falsetto on Karoake night.