This weekend I made a much anticipated return to my alma matter.

As expected I ran into all kinds of people I hadn't seen in months and exchanged a bunch of random information which is known to some as gossip. I love when someone you haven't seen in a while says "You look so different from the last time I saw you." It's kind of a nice way of saying, "man you are really getting fat and it appears as though you are starting to lose your hair."

I was talking to this girl on Friday who told me that she thought that I sound a lot more mature when I talk than the last time she had seen me. I responded, "Fuckin' A right I do."

As I had feared the Atkin's diet has hit college campuses hard. The same guys I used to see doing beer bongs in the basement of some house that should've been condemned, were drinking bottles of Michelob Ultra in swanky bars downtown, commenting "I can only have 2.5 beers today if I don't want to go over my recommended daily carb intake."

And seeing frat guys going into trashy late night eateries and asking the greasy Greek guy behind the counter, "could you tell me how many carbohydrates are in this gyro?" was both a shocking and traumatizing experience.

The one thing that sucks about visiting friends is that you always feel like a guest. You go out drinking till all hours of the night and then at 3a.m. you go back to your buddie's apartment. He throws you an old blanket that his grandma knitted back in the 1960's and says, "You can sleep on my roomate's futon if you want, but I'm pretty sure that porno movies may have been filmed on it." And as you rest your head on one of the beat up uncomfortable pillows that you borrowed from the nearby couch, you say to yourself, "why am I here again?."

Have you ever noticed that when your friends come to visit they always seem to get ridiculously trashed out of their minds? It's not because they're celebrating the fact that they haven't seen you in months. It's because they know that in 3 hours they will either be sleeping on your couch or on the floor and no respectable person can actually pull that off sober.

Then you wake up in the morning as the sun creeps in the blinds. You just slept on the couch or the floor and you totally hate yourself. It's 10:00am, and you can't go back to sleep and everyone else is in the apartment is still asleep. So you say, "well maybe I'll just watch some TV." Then you look down at the coffee table and see 15 different remotes. You spend half an hour pushing different buttons alternating different remotes and button combinations until you can't take it anymore and then you strangle yourself until you pass out again.